


Two Sided

by flightinflame



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Depressed Steve Rogers, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, No one told Rumlow that, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers is Not Hydra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 05:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightinflame/pseuds/flightinflame
Summary: After the Battle of New York, a conversation happens.Or, in which Steve (correctly) assumes Rumlow is gay, and Rumlow (incorrectly) assumes Steve is Hydra.





	Two Sided

**Author's Note:**

> AN: So this ficlet is ridiculous. However it's also fairly heavy on the angst, including vague suicidal thoughts. Look after yourself!  
> Betaed by the ever wonderful Lourdesdeath

After the Battle of New York, Steve had planned to return to his previous life. Hiding from the world outside, attempting to learn about this strange place he had ended up in, exercising in the gym that Fury had provided, to try and get over what he had lost, move on from the pain deep inside of him that at any moment threatened to overwhelm him. 

He couldn't face looking in a mirror. The face that stared back was barely his own, but it was a face that had lost everything. His lover, his friend, his world, his time. That had died for a war that was so long ago that all the people around him saw it as a different time. He felt as out of place as the dinosaurs he'd seen movies of - he'd marvelled at the animation there, only to learn that they should have had feathers, that the ones he'd seen fighting were millions of years apart. He felt like one of those pictures. A featherless dinosaur, out of place and understanding. So he drew one of the long necked ones with a military helmet, and one of the carnivores with a big head and short arms - T-rex (and he remembered that from Before) - trying to carry his shield which was useless in its grasp. 

It was the stupidest things that sent him crashing back, to before, to the train and the fall and the ice. A childlike cartoon of two t-rexes attempting to embrace, only to fail because of their proportions, left him almost in tears. He couldn't help thinking about failing to reach Bucky, seeing him slip away from him. He'd saved the world, and at night he found himself wondering if he should have jumped after him. He didn't think he would have survived the fall. He still wondered.

Fury tried to get him back out, but he couldn't face it. At least within SHIELD's walls things were predictable. Outside, the world had changed beyond imagination, and there were already rumours that he'd been found. A treacherous voice inside of him kept asking that if he had survived the ice, the crash, then there was a chance - but he pushed that away. Thor had said many things about his brother, but he'd never spoken about how cruel he was. Those few words haunted Steve, because if Bucky was out there, he should be out there as well, looking for him, finding a way to bring him home.

He couldn't find a way out of this. He was alone, and trapped in thoughts that wouldn't let him sleep. Loki's words were there, always, and he knew they were lies but that only made them hurt more. If he had hope, then he was opening himself up to pain beyond his ability to stand. He'd always said he could carry on.

He was starting to doubt it.

He headed to the gym, because sometimes it would let his thoughts be quiet, and wrapped up his hands - not out of any particular concern for injury but because he didn't want to make a mess, didn't want to worry any of the strike team who sometimes got sent down here in an attempt to persuade him back to the outside world.

One of the guys, Italian American like some of the kids he'd grown up around, was there smoking. Steve raised a hand in greeting, and the guy waved back, a cocky grin on his face. Steve frowned, trying to remember the name-  
"Hey Rumlow."  
"Hey Cap. You still moping?"  
"They'll call if they need me. I never learned how to build, and now the damage is done they need people who can make the buildings good again, not people like us." Steve sighed, and when Rumlow held out the cigarette he took it.  
"Thanks."  
"No worries. Thought you didn't smoke," Rumlow muttered, grabbing a lighter from his pocket, tossing it from hand to hand. It reminded Steve of how Bucky always had to have something he could fiddle with, something to throw and catch whenever he was thinking about something tough.

"My shows had tobacco sponsoring. Hell, back then they told me it was good for asthma. It's a wonder I lasted long enough to hit the war."  
"Never got told that in school." Rumlow shrugged, accepting the cigarette back from him. "Still, seems there's a lot about you we never got taught, huh Cap?"

Before the serum, Steve might have blushed at that. Luckily one of its side effects was he didn't blush easily now. Rumlow was the kind of guy he'd have gone for, once, if it wasn't for... he pushed those thoughts aside. Even now, he doubted the world was ready for a gay Captain America, for all the current nations liked to shout their tolerance there was a lot of nastiness out there. If he was going to move on, it would probably be with a guy like Rumlow. Military, confident, with a grin that could take your breath away. But Steve still couldn't see himself as available.

"Yeah, I guess. Well, some things they had to keep quiet. Morale of the country and all that."  
"That bullshit." Rumlow laughed. "Still, gotta give the people what they want. Speaking of, Cap, you come to flirt or to fight?"  
"I was gonna-" Steve indicated the bags, then shrugged. "I mean, I wouldn't wanna hurt you."  
Rumlow laughed, and went to grab some boxing pads, and for a little while Steve let himself forget.

***

Steve took a gulp of water, leaning against the wall, Rumlow half-collapsed against the bench beside him.  
"You were pretty good, you know," Rumlow muttered up at the ceiling. "For an old guy."  
Steve couldn't help smiling slightly. It was almost like being home, with the Howlies. Not the endless parade of formal meetings he'd been pushed into, with the endless 'thank you for your service' and 'we're sorry we took so long to find you'. Just sparring against someone who didn't care about his reputation and wanted to see what he could do.

"Rollins used to look up to you you know?" Rumlow muttered. "Before he worked out what side he was on. Had a photo of you on his wall and everything. Threw it out because he couldn't stand you looking at him, judging him-"  
"Well that's..." Steve nodded, lips twisting slightly in disapproval at the knowledge that he had been used to shame people like him. "Sometimes, who you are gets twisted by people who think they know who you are better than you do. Who think they know what's best for you."  
"I'll drink to that." Rumlow raised his bottle, splashing some on his face. "But nah. Glad you're on our team Cap."  
Steve nodded, smiling at him.

"Have you finished?" came a voice from by the elevator, and Steve looked over to see that Rollins was leaning against the wall, smirking at them. "We had a briefing twenty minutes ago."  
"I was talking to Cap," Rumlow muttered, getting to his feet, and Steve was reminded of him picking Bucky up after his dates with girls, muttering (‘One of us has to step out Steve. People will talk’). Rollins was a good soldier, and Steve was glad he had someone.

"You should meet some of our like minded friends," Rumlow suggested. "Sitwell's a big fan, and Scarlotti-"  
"Not right now," Steve interrupted. Maybe not quite like him and Bucky after all. He'd read about open relationships (Internet, so helpful), but couldn't imagine Bucky talking so freely - although that was maybe why Rollins looked so tense. "Got an image to maintain, and don't really feel like socialising."

"Sure thing Cap."  
"Good fight today though. I'll see you soon okay?" He reached out and shook Rumlow's hand. Rumlow leaned in for a kiss, and he jerked away.  
"Not now," he said firmly. Rumlow shrugged, and left with Rollins, their hands just a little too close. Steve's heart ached, but he smiled. He couldn't help wondering what it would have been like, to be that open with Bucky, to not be afraid of their secret being found out.


End file.
